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American & Filipino-American Marriage
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What it is like for an American to be engaged to or married to a Filipina American woman?
wilbert45Visa
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It can be successful….regardless of my experience being married to one for 14 years… my experience is that they do value family very highly….but that refers primarily to their children….and perhaps their extended family….but it does NOT necessarily extend to their non- Filipino spouse… I do know that some people have more successful relationships than I did…but many don't also, you might have a somewhat romantasized view if you if you think it is going to be easy. There is often a big language barrier than can create serious communication issues….sure, they do speak English….but it is NOT their PRIMARY language.. they don't use English on a day to day basis… some use it more than others because of their work or whatever…but it is a secondary language…maybe even tertiary… they probably are not as fluent in English as you might think….you will improve your odds if you learn their primary language…but that isn’t real easy… Even when my wife and I got along relatively well, I heard her lament about how she gets “tired of always talking in English”…she can do it, but it takes more work….it's easier for them to communicate in their primary language, even if they’re fluent in English….yes, they have to learn to speak English in the Philippines….but they don't have to use it for almost all of their communication….like they do when they are here….and they sometimes struggle finding the right words….they have to really think about how to say something in English sometimes…. I could get into personal problems that I had…but I really think the language problem is a something that is impossible to avoid…it will be a bigger/smaller challenge depending on the individual…but I don't think it is possible to avoid it all together….and I did notice the question refers to Filipina-American women…of course I am talking about first generation…women who grew up there…not the second generation…our kids don't speak Filipino hardly at all…a couple words, they couldn't have a conversation. I have a stepson who didn't speak English when he came here, and he can't speak Filipino now…but that is because he came as a small child, rather than as an adult…and because he didn't retain his initial language like my wife hoped he would….and Im a little confused about THAT because he CAN interpret it….he can't just speak it. It seems to me that understanding it would be a big step toward learning to speak it….I don't know, maybe he really can't…but I think he probably could if he had to. I believe someone who understands words should be able to use them. At the very least, it would be easier for him to learn, than it would be for you or me…because he is starting out with understanding it…. I will tell you what…you don't really need to SPEAK your Filipina wife's primary language…she will be content if you simply understand it. She doesn't really care so much if you actually SPEAK her language (she WOULD like it) it's more important if you understand it….let her talk to you in her language, and you can answer in yours (you can clarify things in either, as appropriate) that sounds awkward, but my wife and stepson can do it. Let’s say you do actually manage to learn speak her primary language fluently (there might be more in it for you than there is for her) no matter how well you learn her language, your primary language will always be easier for you. That's how SHE FEELS about English.
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Being in a relationship is complex enough; being in a cross-cultural relationship adds yet another layer of complexity–but one that is worth it if it is with the right person. There are things that come naturally to one of you but would be a head-scratcher to the other, so there will be a lot of explaining about things that you may not even have thought about before. It can get frustrating at times for one or both of you (i.e. one might get impatient, the other might feel inadequate). There will be many things to discuss and compromise on (e.g. Will the kids learn Tagalog too? Will the family be visiting the Philippines? How often?). These are certainly challenges, but they're very interesting challenges as you will each learn about aspects of the other's cultures and handle situations in ways that you can both live with. Having said all these, every relationship and every person is different. I'm a Filipino engaged to an American but because we're both ethnic Chinese, we share many random similarities. We would be pleasantly surprised to find out that we had the same Chinese medicines growing up, we're familiar with dishes that would otherwise be considered weird by non-Chinese people, etc. There are also many differences since we grew up in different places (him in NYC, me in Manila), as well as our grandparents were from different parts of China (his in HK, mine in Xiamen) which means that we do not speak the same Chinese languages (he speaks Cantonese and I speak Minnanhua aka Fukienese) and there are differences in some customs as well. Of course we both speak English fluently, so it doesn't really matter too much that I cannot speak a work of Cantonese and he can't speak a word of Minnanhua, although as an added bonus, we both speak decent Mandarin. Now that we're living in the US, he has to explain many everyday things to me (e.g. schedule for garbage collections, parking rules, return policies in stores, etc.). I ask him practically about everything that does not make sense to me, which is a lot. But that is also a good thing because he would not know what I don't know if I didn't ask. We lived in Shanghai and Manila previously and I would also explain crazy things that we do in Asia. He's lucky that I am one of those people who over-explain, even when he did not ask for an explanation. By "Filipino American," does it mean she was born and raised in the US? If so, I would think it would be easier for the two of you to be culturally compatible. If she grew up in the Philippines, there will be a lot of explaining just like for me and my fiance. Be thankful that most Filipinos speak English (varying levels of fluency, yes, but still enough to communicate). So many things are relative, really so I can't make a blanket statement. To paraphrase your original question so that it would apply to me, "how is it like to be engaged to an American?" I would say it's good because I have an understanding and supportive fiance who makes it easy for me to adjust in a new place. But then again this is not really because he's an American but mainly because it is who he is as a person. So really, find a good person to be in a relationship with, no matter the nationality. Everything else will just have to go from there. Good luck!